Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
