So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
