We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
