I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
