you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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