Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
