dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
