My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
