Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
