Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
