community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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