I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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