Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
