Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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