am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
