Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just gift wrapped bread.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
