found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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