she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize