I skipped work to stalk him.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
