I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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