No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This is my gift to your gina
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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