Just fell off a train. Bad.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
