Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
