Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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