never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
