May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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