Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
