wakey wakey hands off snakey
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
