3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
