You don't have asthma, your pregnant
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
