Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
