i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
