She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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