I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
