party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
