Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
