if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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