i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
