A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Four minutes until I can fart!
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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