I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize