i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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