So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
