He felt like a one man threesome
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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