Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
