Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
