Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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