don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Randomize
