theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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