Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
