New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
