What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
