lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
two words...techno handjob
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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