Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
