Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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