I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize